Mass confusion in my mind…. When grief takes over.

I have booked my flight to China. Now I wish I hadn’t and tomorrow…well I will probably change my mind AGAIN and be glad I am going!

I feel dizzy. Nothing feels right, what do you do when everything feels wrong? The advice garnered says ‘If in doubt, leave it out.’ Now, this is very good advice if you are in Zara,  undecided about a sale dress for £10, but with the big life stuff it isn’t so easy to decide what to do, it isn’t easy at all.

I have been out of action for nearly two years.  My back went, I couldn’t walk for 6 months, the pain was indescribable and then, when I thought nothing worse than that could ever happen to me, my Mum died.  And my world stopped turning.

I remember life before she died and that doesn’t seem real anymore. I remember who I was and I am a stranger to myself.

Grief will cut you down and gut you out.  It is merciless and cruel.  I learned whilst trawling the web in desperation that all the forums and advice on bereavement sites are filled with liars and lies. Time does not heal and there are no stages of grief, there is only one, and it is called ‘Unbearable terror.’

Some days I just think ‘ I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this’!  I sob and scream into my pillow, I eye up my bag of poisons, Diazepam is my favorite but I know tomorrow I will feel worse as the drug’s chemicals play havoc with my already terrorized brain. So I go to my closet and pull out the pitiful little bag that holds all I have left of my Mum. (Not her ashes, my sister has those as an ornament on her mantle) I  have her dressing gown. Her tatty purple fleecy robe I bought her years ago.  It is my most precious thing!  Because I can still smell her on it.  I wrap it all around me and cover my head with it, I inhale between frantic sobs and somehow it calms me.

I have been traveling on and off since last March, because it is the only thing I can still do that makes me feel alive. Each destination I research and book with ragged nerves, as soon as I hit ‘Confirm’ I panic. Because I know I will have to go, I can’t afford to waste the airfare. I know it’s for the best. I can’t just sit here sobbing into my Mum’s dressing gown and eating Diazepam.

So, I’m off to China. And I am scared.





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