OK so today has started like every other week day. The alarm went off, my heart sank and I forced myself to get out of the bed. With weary steps I move slowly towards the the bathroom and stand beneath the shower. I turn it on and the warm water washes away my tears.
And so it begins again, another soul destroying ‘Ground Hog Day’ filled with regret and the hideous anxiety that brings with it.
I am feeling depressed because I am still here doing the same boring shit I hate; day in day out. My pointless office job makes me feel sick. I have had hundred’s of these and they all make me feel like crap. Every day I get up and force myself to repeat wasting another day of my life. Eight hours of energy sucking, soul destroying misery. I must be crazy because a sane person wouldn’t keep doing this to themselves.
I have been to the doctor but in the words of Richard Ashcroft, ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’. The drugs knock me out! (Which is absolutely fine when I don’t have to attend my Ground Hog Days. Unfortunately I do; otherwise I will never have enough money to get the hell out of here.
And this leads me onto the single factor that thwarts every would be escapist on the planet, Money, Money, Money. ( Oh dear I am starting to write in pop lyrics.)
I never seem to have enough money, the time whizzes by and I am really worried I won’t ever be able to leave.
This is when I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am actually going to stand up from my desk and scream. I Love the Edvard Munch painting, it perfectly captures my mood.
So what am I going to do about it? Am I going to pack my rucksack and dig out my old Invicta bum bag from 1997 and resume my travels from 2002? Am I going to buy a plane ticket to anywhere I can afford and begin a new adventure? Can I add to my 50 seen countries and make it to my goal of visiting 150?
My heart leaps. Yes, yes, yes! I feel it is possible, I will find a way. I will be brave and fearless! My euphoria lasts about three seconds before the voice of doom starts yapping inside my head, giving me so many reasons not to go anywhere. Money, family, FEAR!
Regret bites into me. If I had persevered with the house in BG it would have been ready to live in by now but I sold it because I didn’t want to be alone in Bulgaria. Now I am alone in England. Trapped in Ground Hog Day.